I have this stupid habit of lying about having done things even though I've pretty much done them anyway.
Today for example, I told my parents that I'd resubmitted my thesis. I haven't but I'm roughly an hour away from actually doing it. What the hell was the point? Tomorrow is the deadline so it's not a big deal. I constantly try to make myself appear to be a better person than I am even if it's only by a negligible amount. Like my whole world would crumble if everyone knew I wasn't as on top of things as I make out. Yeah, I want to be better in every way and please the people I love but I need to start accepting myself a bit more. Maybe then I could work on being the person I want to be instead of keeping up this minor charade.
Tenancy on flat finished, now living at home, Grandpa died after 4 weeks in hospital, 2 week holiday in France, failed my MSc by 2% on my thesis, paying £50 to edit and resubmit so I can graduate. General bullsh*t. Queue massive binging. Will divulge weigh-ins when I'm back in the "healthy weight" BMI category. Ouch!
Food and exercise journal starting Sunday... Screw it. Tomorrow.
Thinspo...
I've submitted my MSc thesis! YAY! It's over! Well, almost at least. There's just one more letter to get from my doctor for administration reasons then I can kiss the university goodbye. It's not like I don't like studying but I had to go through so much crap. One too many idiots around for my liking not to mention the memories of the darkest time I have ever had with my ED.
My birthday is exactly 2 weeks and 2 days away and I'm going to hit my target weight of 11 stone (154 lbs) by then. That means I can have cake and I'll meet my first goal weight before the end of the month. I was so set on being super thin and gorgeous by my 25th birthday and it's disappointing that won't be happening. I'm going to push that negativity out of my head and replace it with something positive; 25 will be the age I achieve my weight loss goals and the age I really make changes towards becoming a happier person. It's happening. I'm getting too old for all this sh*t.
This is going to be how the next 2 weeks are going to go:
Yoga: 15mins
Breakfast: 200kcal
Calisthenics: 30mins
Lunch: 150kcal
3km jog
Dinner: 500-700kcal
Snacks: vegetables only - 50kcal
Kcal balance: 1000 peferably less.
I don't want to go too crazy with restricting because I don't want to be in the super lame metabolism situation where if I have a larger meal or a treat with family I gain 10 lbs or something stupid.
I'll be sticking to the kcal guidelines for the next couple of days as well as the yoga and calisthenics but will start jogging when I get back to the flat. I'm currently chilling at my parents.
I'm not completely done with my thesis yet but it's been too long since I blogged and the temptation was too great.
The last couple of months have been the same old yo-yo of struggling along and dealing with everyday stresses. I quite enjoyed my job but the erratic, unsociable hours made my eating difficult so too did staying at B&Bs and eating at restaurants.
Speaking of my job I still haven't been paid! I literally have less than £20 to my name and it's really stressing me out. I'm on good terms with my boss and we get along great but she's going to get another firm e-mail from me. I'm literally owed £100s!
My jewellery business is going OK. people like my stuff but the two craft fairs I went to were utter crap. Hardly anyone came through the doors but I did manage some sales and a demonstration booking. I have two this month and one in August so I'm really hoping they're busy ones. If only shops allowed payment in beads I wouldn't be so flat ass broke.
I've lost 2lbs in 3 days and amazingly I hauled myself out for a run a couple of days ago which I hadn't done in a long time. I went with A who didn't mean to be a jerk but he came out with a few comments that made me all too aware of how my fitness has slipped. It wasn't about how fast I was going. At this point it's just about doing those 3 laps around the park and being happy with having done them.
This picture is great for two reasons; 1. It sums up how I feel all too well. 2. One of the origin stories of the unicorn is that the rhinoceros was misidentified as a unicorn. The rhino in the picture is aspiring to be what others already see it as... Awwwww!
WOW! I've really missed you guys!
I'm OK. A and I are still together but things are still not right.
I'll be finishing up with my thesis this week and everything else in my life is winding down too so I'll be back-a-bloggin' in the very near future.
I'm so excited about getting back on track not to mention catching up on all your inspirational posts.
I'm back in the flat I share with A today. He's coming back from seeing family tomorrow. So, I'm a little emotional. I burst into tears as soon as I entered the flat. I was surrounded by happy people today and the girl that I sat next to on the train was super skinny. I kept admiring how slim her legs were. Amazing! I swung back and to between these happy people making me want to hurl and feeling privileged that I had glimpsed a brief moment of joy in their lives. No matter how bitter and twisted I am right now and no matter how much I crave moments like that I concluded the latter. If these moments are not a reality for me at the moment at least I can enjoy seeing others experience something I desire so much right now. I'm glad there is happiness out there. It makes it more tangible.
I met a dear family friend today. He is over from Canada coaching one of the Canadian teams. His wife ordered some jewellery so I popped over to see him and deliver the pieces. It was lovely to see him but after the brief catch up chit chat he wangled another ticket to the rugby game the team were going to watch that night. I was introduced to everyone which was nice but I felt awkward. My people skills are not good. I need to improve on this. I think maybe I'm too closed, quiet, unable to talk about trivial things.
One point I listed the other day under things I hate about myself was my inability to make friends. A girl once summed it up in a nutshell for me when I mentioned this to her. She said she was surprised but at the same time she though I was one of the nicest people she's met but never really felt the need to be friends with me. Maybe my barriers make me too bland. Note to self: try to make at least one friend (FOR THE LOVE OF OLIVES!!!).
I promised a photo showing my hair in proper light and not salon straight so here it is:
**image removed**
Day 18 of the 30 Day Song Challenge is a song I wish I heard on the radio. It was a close call between Ghost by Gregory and the Hawk and Kilojules by Freelance Whales. To try to keep things non repetitive I chose Ghost by Gregory and the Hawk.
I'll apologise in advance if I don't blog tomorrow. A's return may yield drama. That was a lie. It will yield drama... Can't wait.... (that was a rather heavy dose of sarcasm)
Here are the pictures of before and after my hair transformation... *cringe* The second one is me just after the lovely hair people down the road straightened the life out of it. This will not be how my hair looks all the time so I'll post a more realistic picture tomorrow. I'll be sure to take a photo during the day so you can see the colour properly. Apologies for the lack of makeup but I never ware any.
**images removed**
With the exception of the hair my the only exciting thing that happened today was the (late) arrival of my brother's birthday present; a Nintendo Entertainment System. You know, the retro original? My Grandpa bought one for my Dad when we lived in Canada. We always really struggled to get by so our Nintendo was amazing. We used to play Ninja Turtles II on it as kids so I managed to get hold of that too. My brother was thrilled!
On to the song of the day!
Day 17 of the 30 Day Song Challenge is a song you hear often on the radio... I don't listen to the radio so this song is one that was on BBC Radio 2 over the summer when I worked as a dental receptionist. The radio was on all the time. That job was the worst job I ever had because the practice owner who was my boss was such a nasty piece of work. Really ungrateful and made everyone feel like a piece of *£@#. Oddly when I left he thanked me for keeping him grounded when he was stressed. I'd hate to see him ungrounded! I guess I was in a unique position of not caring if he fired me so had no qualms about telling him to stop having temper tantrums like a 2 year old. It was obvious no one stuck up for themselves or each other in that place
So finally, the song is Pack Up by Eliza Doolittle.
My hair has been dyed! I like it too. In fact it's exactly what I wanted almost black but with a deep cherry tint. My dad is going to have a shock because now I look even more like him! All I have to do is get it cut and my magical hair transformation will be complete. My spirits have been lifted. Oh AND I sold some of my jewellery online today. Maybe I'll be able to pay the bills after all. Wouldn't that be something?
I'm glad quite a few of you liked the list idea and even more so that some of you had done one of your own. It was a great exercise to do and I hope everyone that did it got as much out of it as I did.
This is the last day of having 2 songs on my post. I'm back on track as of tomorrow. Huzzah!
Today it's day 15 and 16 of the 30 Day Song Challenge.
Day 15 is a song that describes you and that's Attractive Today by Motion City Soundtrack.
Day 16 is a song I used to love but now hate. The song is It's Been Awhile by Stained.
Food wise today was OK if I'd have gone for the run I was planning. I thought I had running gear here at my parent's house but turns out I was wrong. Grumble.
I came across a post by ELLE-usive Dream in which she lists 5 things she loves and 5 things she hates about herself so I'll be doing the same. I need a bit of positive reflection and constructive criticism. Just what the shrink ordered. If I'm honest I'm feeling a little melancholy this evening. I was looking at the pictures of my friend's sister's wedding and it was sad to think that that sort of happiness is so far away for me right now. Until then I work on obtaining happiness elsewhere in my life. Like with a new hair style and colour. I'm a little more excited about this than I should be I think. 24 and I've never dyed my hair. It's a big deal! I'll put some before and after photos up for you guys to get some shizzles and giggles from it.
5 things I love about myself:
1) My brain - It acts like a sponge. It loves information and has made me the environmental scientist/ecologist I am today. Thank you brain!
2) I can correct people -This one is odd. I used to smile and nod politely if someone was talking complete crap but now I don't. I'm not bitchy about it but equally if they're wrong I'll tell them. I expect the same treatment if I'm wrong.
3) My athletic ability - I've been good at every sport I've tried and been on every school and uni team I've tried out for; basketball, ultimate Frisbee, volleyball, badminton, swimming, rugby and track and field.
4) My height - I'm not super tall but I love being of the taller category at 5ft 9".
5) My shoulders - They're broad, strong and always look like they belong to a thinner person.
5 things I hate about myself:
1) I hate that I can make myself feel unintelligent though I know I'm not.
2) I hate that I can't seem to make a single friend even when I try. Too many barriers maybe? Beats me.
3) I hate how I let my insecurities run my life sometimes. I'm getting better at controlling them but I still have a way to go yet.
4) I hate my lack of self discipline. It's not all the time but I'm good at procrastinating.
5) I hate my body. But that will change... Hopefully. ^_^
Now on to the 30 Day Song Challenge:
Day 13 is a song that is a guilty pleasure and that song will be Sincerely Me by New Found Glory. I like them. They're funsies.
Day 14 is a song that no one would expect me to love. It's Play That Funky Music by Wild Cherry. I defy you to not get your groove on.
Love peace and happiness to all of you butterfly beauties, B x
Last night was terrible. Two hours of sleep, crying, sore eyes and general ick. I'm feeling rough and am experiencing surges of anxiety. Blegh! A and I have been e-mailing as it allows us to say everything we want in a calm collected manner. Besides that I can't talk properly in my house without everyone knowing and going into the street to chat isn't an option either. I'm not fond of the neighbours seeing me as a blubbering lunatic.
I only gained 0.2lbs after my stupid binge yesterday so I'm relieved. Today was ok. I didn't much feel like eating and when I did it was only small portions. Unfortunately I was craving comfort food but couldn't stomach much of anything.
Tomorrow is a new day. Whatever happens with my relationship is going to happen and is out of my hands. It's up to A to decide if I'm worth the trouble. From the second I wake tomorrow I'm putting all my energy into me. I will be happy. I'm going to lose weight like a trooper, I'm going to be new, rising from the ashes like a beautiful phoenix. I ordered some eco hair dye today. I've always been too chicken to do it but I'm tired of being wallpaper. I want to express my inner self and do things I've always wanted to. I'll also be changing my hair style. I want a change both inside and out. If this relationship fails I'll be a million times more awesome for the next guy. It'll be A's loss.
I'll let you know how it pans out but they'll be no more wallowing about it from now on. It makes repetitive reading and I'm even starting to bore myself.
Day 11 of the 30 Day Song Challenge is a song from your favourite band. I have to admit their recent stuff is a but rubbish. Lyrically they've plummeted but I still think their older stuff is great.
The song is Mr. Chainsaw by Alkaline Trio.
Day 12 is a song from a band I hate... Ummm.... Hate is a strong word but I don't like Creed. I don't like the singer's voice, his face is a bit slapable and there's something cheese on toast about them.
It's Sacrifice by Creed.
Tune in tomorrow for positivity (finally!) and thinspo from yours truly.
I comfort ate today. After losing another 1lb. Stupid girl.
My hard exterior has suddenly crumbled around me and my mask has been removed. Here lies a seldom seen individual. She's vulnerable. Feeling like her love and best friend is falling through her hands like tightly grasped sand. She's suddenly terrified. Wants to be held close and told she is beautiful, loved and safe. Instead a torrent of text. He doesn't know. He loves me but needs to think... She faces rejection and answers with "if you need to think maybe this is the end". Then nothing. Perchance he is reveling in the cliche. Perchance she is indeed not enough. That's how she's always felt.
I told A everything. I told him I checked his e-mails, that I know he lied to me about L, that I know he told his closest friends he wasn't sure he wanted to be in a relationship and that I don't trust him (I think he knew that already). I had to clarify that it isn't that I didn't trust his fidelity it's that I don't trust him to tell me things that are important to us both, to the well being of us. He's not as honest and open about relationship stuff as I am. I expect the same transparency I show him especially after 4+ years.
That was 3 hours ago. I haven't heard from him since. I don't blame him. He was mad, said the not knowing if he should be in a relationship was a reflection of his mood at the time (yeah...) and not an ongoing one. I'm feeling more and more distant from him. The future we were working on building is getting blurry as a result of my paranoia and his disregard for me that I seem to find at every turn recently.What happens next is any one's guess. I told him I wasn't returning from my family home until he has decided exactly what he wants. He can be without me for a while to take stock of what's happened recently. We both need perspective and a time out.
*breath*
In weight related news I've lost another pound. The scales here are digital and add a few pounds compared to the ones I usually use. They now read 171.4lbs as opposed to the 172.4lbs they did last weekend.
I've had less than 200kcal during the day so a small meal should put me no higher that 1000kcal (worst case scenario).
I've been making replicas of some of the jewellery pieces I have on sale in the shop I was talking about yesterday. I can only ever make a very limited number at one go as I source the beads from co-operatives in Uganda and I never know what colours I'll be getting. The beads are fantastic, beautifully African and are all eco and ethically traded.
Tell me what you guys think. Don't worry about being critical as it's the only way I'll improve. I told a girl the other day that her stuff was nice but needed more variation in her designs. She literally did the same bracelet in different colours which isn't usually a problem but she has over 100 pieces on her website and NOTHING stands out. On top of that her prices were comparable to mine and none of her materials benefited those less fortunate or the planet... The mind doth boggle! She was not impressed with my honesty. I was even nice about it and commented on the things that I did like. Some people want to surround themselves with yes men and sycophants I guess.
**images removed**
And finally....
Day 9 of the 30 day Song Challenge is a song you can dance to. When I say dance I mean do a lap dance to. Well, I can but I totally chickened out so no one has ever seen it. Ha ha ha!
The song is You Are by Pear Jam.
Day 10 is a song that makes you fall asleep. I don't actually know of one that makes me fall asleep but I know I can sleep when listening to this song.
I’m home again for a week for my brother’s birthday. I’ve brought my laptop this time so I can blog. Weight loss is going OK this week. I’m down to 170lbs but have eaten loads today so am feeling like garbage. Dad and I went shopping and I got stocked up with a few things for breakfast and lunch so I can eat without them getting suspicious but not increase the calories too much.
I’ve been busy busy busy trying to get my jewellery business off the ground. The ethical beads from Uganda arrived on Monday and I had to work like crazy to get pieces made for a display in one of the shops that has agreed to stock my main collections. I need to make some money and this is my best option as job searching is slow and as I’m a student I can’t claim any government help if I get desperate. Financially things are stressful.
My relationship is questionable at best. A has sent an e-mail to a few of his closest friends in which he mentions that he’s not sure he should be in a relationship as his personality traits don’t lend well to being with someone 24/7. He doesn’t know that I’m aware of this (after the last fiasco I occasionally get a bit neurotic and check his e-mails. Despicable I know and I need to stop) and I won’t be seeing him for a week so I’m not sure how to go about this one. My body went cold when I read the words... Together for over 4 years... Things have been shaky but I thought it would pass. Not sure staying together after this year is an option. There’s clearly not enough love for me if he can’t talk about these things to my face and deal with his character traits in order for us to have a life together. If I felt my character traits were getting in the way of my relationship and I was in love it’s the character traits that would need to be disposed of, not the relationship. Hell, I’d even try counselling again. To say I’m upset is an understatement. I feel numb. It's going to be a sleepless night. I'm glad I have you guys.
Obviously I’ve fallen behind with my 30 Day Song Challenge so I’ll be posting a couple of songs a day to play catch up.
Day 7 of the 30 Day Song Challenge is a song that reminds you of a certain event. This song reminds me of returning to the U.K. from UBC and having the worst 6 months of my life in terms of uni, my eating disorder and particularly my relationship.
The song is The Scientist by Coldplay.
Day 8 of the 30 Day Song Challenge is a song you know all the words to.
It's Hello Seattle by Owl City.
In response to Thin_Envy’s question my research is twofold, investigating quantitative food webs in a host plant- Pierid – parasitoid assemblage and the influence of previous host plant herbivory on Pierid larval parasitism. It’s a fantastic project and is a pioneering study for the ecosystem. I felt very honoured when I was offered it.
Hope you are all well. Wishing you love peace and happiness always, B X
This post is going to be lean as I'm writing it in the early afternoon. I'm heading home tonight for Mother's Day and my parent's 28th wedding anniversary so won't get a chance to ramble on later.
That pound I thought I lost but wasn't sure because of my rubbish scales had most definitely been lost. WHOOP! 2lbs for this week. I can only hope to maintain over the weekend with the take out Chinese tonight and a big family BBQ tomorrow. Small portions, small portions, good choices, good choices. There's always fresh baked cakes and things and my grandparent's house. Mom is making a fruit salad so I'll have that for dessert. She's a life saver.
Day 6 of the 30 day Song Challenge is a song that reminds you of somewhere. This song was playing near enough everywhere this time last year in Spain. I lived in Granada for 6 weeks while I did data collection for my research and loved it. I loved spending three twelve hour days in an unshaded barranco at +40 C heat looking for caterpillars and the rest of my time in the lab at the uni. It wasn't quite as simple as it sounds ^_^.
Today's song is Don't Worry Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin.
Nothing too exciting going on today. A and I had a picnic in the (very windy) park. I insisted we took the Frisbee and rugby ball which was fun and burned up the calories nicely. Running around made me realise how badly I need to get back to the gym. I've lost fitnness and it'll speed up the weight loss so it's a win win situation. Unfortunately I'm broke so I have to cancel my membership but I'll still have a month to use it by which time I'll be taking to the great outdoors for my workouts.
I think I've lost 1lb but I'm not sure. I have analogue scales so it's hard to tell sometimes. I'll say I'm stable for now to be on the safe side.
Day 5 of the 30 Day Song Challenge is a song that reminds you of someone. That someone is my little brother. I could get all emotional and go into why he's so amazing but I'll just say that he's my best friend, my biggest support and the funniest person ever. This song is a bit of a ritual. He was on a mission to learn every single word last summer and he does now indeed know every single word. Whenever we're in the car it has to be played.
The song is Rapper's Delight by The Sugar Hill Gang for my much loved little brother.
I'd like to start today by saying thank you to Tai and Skittles for their comments yesterday. I'm so used to feeling like I'm the one with the problem and it's comforting to know that I wasn't being overly unreasonable about the relationship fiasco.
Tai I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned this girl clearly had no respect for me. The fact that if I hadn't made a fuss A wouldn't have told her she was out of line shows disrespect on his part too. It all adds to the erosion of my self worth and I get enough of that from myself.
Let's change subject shall we?
I love surfing! Totally LOVE it! I'm not in the big wave league by any means but I don't care because I just love being out on the water. I may love surfing but looking like a cetacean while I do it is not happening this year. I'm going to look hot on my surfboard. No change on the scales this morning by the way.
Queue surf girl thinspo!
In other news I have a killer headache and I stubbed my toe. Exciting stuffs.
Day 4 of the 30 Day Song Challenge is a song that makes you sad so that'll be Cutie Boots by Stepdad. Great band.
I need to vent. I want to shout, cry run around like a maniac. It's been building for days. Insecurities and paranoia have reached boiling point and I tire of the anxiety keeping me up every night.
Relationship crap
The fiasco I mentioned in a later post involved a girl. Big shock right? I dislike this girl. She's always asking my partner (I'm calling him A from now on. It's easier) for advice and favours. "What do I do with this centipede I found in my bag from the prac?", "I need help with my PhD application", "I have computer problems can you have a look?". I shrugged it off for ages because it's not like I expect him not to have female friends but then he got a text that I spazzed at "Oooo! A phone call? That must mean B is out of town". Queue shaking, instant nausea, wanting to pack my bags, punch him in the face, punch her in the face. I get the flight and flight response simultaneously. I hasten to add I'm not a violent person. Don't want anyone to get the wrong idea ^_^.
Upon interrogation after trying to slam him in the door (still not sure I didn't mean to do it... What was that about not being violent?) he'd apparently made some flippant comment about him and me not appreciating random texts a while ago. When you bring the girlfriend into it it's usually the girlfriend with the problem and the boyfriend is including himself to make said girlfriend seem less of a psycho. She'd said the text was a joke and meant nothing by it apparently.
I trust my boyfriend completely but what bothers me is some random ass girl who clearly deems it fit to make me into a joke having my boyfriend as her do to guy. He's been oblivious to these things in the past and has resulted in a few girls feeling confident enough that they have a chance with him to admit they like him. In his defence he's immediately stopped contact with them at that point but I hate that it needs to get that far!
He's spoken to her and said the text was out of line but she then e-mailed him saying "since texts are banned I thought I'd say goodbye by e-mail (she's going on a trip to Kenya with the uni). Shame you couldn't meet me for tea and random twittering. We'll catch up in April". Either she hasn't got the message which I was lead to believe was "get lost" or he's happy to keep on with the friendship without telling me. I don't care if he want to be friends with her, I'll get over it, but I do care if he has this friendship behind my back given recent events. That pisses me off. I'm more than likely being an overly crazy bitch about it all but I can't shake it. Something feels off.
I wrote that last night. I needed to have a rant but lucky for you guys I took a breath. This post could have been EPIC! I was a bit wound up and woke A up to say that if he was going to be friends with this girl then that's fine I just don't want him hiding it from me. A was unimpressed probably for 2 reasons 1) I woke him up ^_^ 2) He gets annoyed when I revisit stuff. It takes me a while to get closure on things sometimes. His reaction resulted with me sleeping on the couch to avoid the weird vibe of the bedroom.
Today things have been a little odd. The tension is a little awkward.
Conclusion: this fat, insecure, paranoid, delinquent bitch has got to go. She needs to be replaced with a thin, more confident, less paranoid individual. The sooner that happens the better.
And the third day of the 30 Day Song Challenge is a song that makes you happy... How's that for irony?
It's Soul Meets Body by Death Cab for Cutie.
In weight news I'm down 1lb and only had an Alpro Soya yogurt and a small dinner today! I know I said nothing but dinner; A came home from uni early and was bugging me to eat.
I've also joined the Twitter scene so feel free to add me ^_^ @Thinpapilio.
I have loads of work to do for a deadline tomorrow (2000 words to go) so can't stay long. Unfortunately I'm not feeling the pressure and just plodding along. Wish I was able to have a bit less apathy about everything.
Today was OK. Ate more than I should have because my partner made a tiramisu adding another 400kcal to my day. I loved and loathed every mouthful. There's absolutely nothing in the house to tempt me now so tomorrow will be awesome! I'm planning on fasting through the day and only having a small dinner to combat the dessert from tonight.
Total kcals: 1100
Day 2 of the 30 Day Song Challenge: your least favourite song. We Like to Party by The Vengaboys.
The song is AWFUL and characteristic of late 1990s European pop and the time I moved from my native Canada to the U.K. Little did I know the terror that lurked on the radio waves of the U.K. when I boarded that flight from Toronto to Birmingham. Sorry if any of you have nightmares.
And the damage is......... Minimal! YAY!!!! I'm 174lbs which is still WAY to high for my liking but things could be considerably worse.
I'm back to using FitDay again. It used to be a bit of an obsession but I find it really helpful. Also the BMI values it calculates are higher than the other resources out there so I know if I have a good BMI on FitDay in reality it's even better.
Over the next 9 weeks I'm going to lose 34lbs which will take me to 140lbs. Not my lowest weight but I'm so excited about how different my body will be when I get there. That's my first goal. I'd love to get there in less time and I will try but I have so much going on with study and starting my own little business (making and selling fair trade and eco friendly jewellery) I can't afford to put all my energy into it. If food and exercise are all I think about there's no chance of me concentrating on anything else in my life. I get totally consumed.
My calorie intake is restricted to 720kcal meaning I need to get back to the gym. Generally I'll be sticking to a soy yogurt in the morning, maybe with a piece of fruit, soup or cous cous for lunch and a small portion of dinner. When my assignment is out of the way on Wednesday I'll do a day here and there when I will only eat a small dinner. I'd never get away with a full day fast.
On a lighter note; I've noticed a few people on Facebook are doing a 30 Day Song Challenge but I thought I'd incorporate it into my blog instead.
Day 1 is your favourite song so here it is; Generator 1st Floor by Freelance Whales. Only just found out it is on a Starbucks commercial @_@
Thank you Dotty for such a lovely comment on my last post.
I am always so grateful for all of you guys. I know there are some people out there that just don't get it and get a kick out of hurling abuse but they make me really appreciate what beautiful people you are.
Hi all! It's been a while. I've been dying to get on here and catch up with goings on and write a blog or two but things have been so crazy. Thanks for the comments while I was tied up elsewhere.
So where have I been? Here and there. Mainly with family. My brother's was my first stop where I spent a few days catching up, playing ultimate frisbee and retro video games. I then came back for a few days but didn't have a second to myself to post anything. Following a relationship... let's just call it a fiasco, I went and stayed with my parents. I'd planned on doing this anyway as I had to pick up some data for an experimental write up and decided to extend my say. I wasn't ready to come back to the flat.
The whole fiasco was on the grand scheme of things not a huge deal retrospectively but it takes so little to shake my confidence in my relationship. Because I have such low self esteem the smallest thing can increase the erosion of my self worth which obviously leads to my posing questions on the relationship front.
As I type it's just past 1am. I can't sleep due to anxiety but on the plus side I've found a window to blog. My partner has had little lab or lecture time and there's no getting away from each other here. Not that I would want that usually but I find blogging and catching up on what other like-minded people are up to and how they are getting on a comfort and helps me focus on my own goals.
On the scary issue of weight... I have no idea what weight I am. My eating habits have been so erratic the last few weeks due to the emotional rollercoaster I was on. I ate too much at my brother's place, nothing here, not that much at home and then the comfort eating kicked in. It's been a mess and I REALLY don't want to step on those scales but there's a little voice in my head compelling me to do it.
Tomorrow I promise. I'll give you a damage report.
I’ve not posted for a couple of days because I’ve been going through one of my mini depression episodes (I say mini only because it’s not lasted all that long this time) and I didn’t want to bore anyone with my verbal diarrhoea and bitching about my lack of self worth.
I don’t know if this happens to anyone else but I get what I can only describe as a hangover when the depression starts to lift. It’s so weird! I’m completely drained, my head is fuzzy and there’s a general hit by a small car feeling. On the plus side it’s nice to feel somewhat normal again.
I’m still on track with my weight loss and did another Yoga class this morning. The class was harder than the one last week and with my “hangover” it was tough going. I wore a sleeveless top that had been relegated to the back of my draw for a while until I shed a few pounds... Big mistake! Everything seemed fine in the mirror at home but not in the studio. Damn mirrors everywhere. As much as I want a teeny flat tummy and legs I have a fixation with fat arms. I loathe them. It could be my hobby. There are so many slim girls that have arms that are way too fat for their profile. Resisting the urge to tell someone that they need to do some work on their arms because from the side their arms look as thick as their torso is challenging. My arms aren’t bad in the grand scheme of things but they’re not the skinny, toned pair I used to have which meant I couldn’t stop looking at them in the class, willing the fat to drip off them with every piercing stare.
In conclusion, I’ll be doing more arm work so I can look slimmer in some of my sleeveless tops. There’s something about slim arms that can give the illusion of being thinner than you actually are.
Yesterday was crap. I had a mini binge. I'm so relieved I had no junk in the house and couldn't bear facing the outside world enough to go to the shop and buy EVERYTHING.
The events of Thursday got me pretty down and I couldn't hold it together. I was so annoyed with myself for being so weak and I hadn't even got through the first week!
Today has been better though I'm still feeling like crap. I was almost at a loss of 5lbs for the week but the binge made sure it was only 4lbs. On the up side my "eco pants" (the ones I wear for conservation work) are nowhere near as tight as they were last week which I’m really happy about. They’ve not fit this well for months.
Because I only lost 4lbs last week I have to drop 6lbs this week to achieve my first weight loss goal of 10lbs in 2 weeks. Totally doable, just NO mess ups this time.
Today was a bit weird. I really didn’t want to go to the gym this morning. Sometimes the extreme lighting and air-conditioning just don’t cut it. I had every intention of going for a run but time got the better of me. I did manage to get over an hour walking around town while I was doing errands (I always walk quickly so I burn more calories).
My partner had an informal interview for a PhD today and I’m totally thrilled for him but I can’t stop thinking about where I’d be in my career if I hadn’t let my ED get the better of me... Maybe doing a PhD of my own? As I was leaving the house in order for my partner to have some privacy during the interview I picked up a bag I hadn’t used for a while. It was full of packaging that I’d hidden over the course of a couple binge sessions a few weeks ago. It summed it all up really. He has a PhD interview and all I had was a bag containing the remnants of why I feel like a failure. Damn food; too much of it or too little of it, too fat, too thin and never just the right amount and a thin but healthy me. Needless to say my emotions were bubbling under the surface making it urge to binge stronger than it has been so far. The image of the bag full of garbage, my partner having his interview and the reading on the scales this morning (definately down by 4lbs today) were swimming in my head and I got through.
I hope you are all staying strong and had a better day than I.
It’s such a wonderful day here. Spring in undoubtably on it’s way reminding everyone that t-shirts, shorts and (dare I say it?) swimwear is on the horizon. It’s days like this that put pressure on me to work off the flab faster.
I’ve lost 4 or 5lbs now, I have analogue scales so I’m not exactly sure where I’m at, and am still feeling focused.
It’s been way too long since I did Yoga but today ended all that. I used to really love it but with each instructor having a different style and with all the different types to choose from I struggled to find a good class. Luckily the fitness club I go to has a really good instructor. She’s got attitude and really makes you work. I like her. The class this morning was one of the hardest Yoga classes I’ve done for years and it felt great. My partner is seriously inflexible given his high level of strength and fitness and has had back and joint problems from rugby which is why I’ve been bugging him to give a class a go. He joined me and surprise, surprise he enjoyed it! Needless to say it’s going to be a weekly thing. Maybe I’ll start Pilates up again too... Hummmm....
There’s been a lot to think about today. I’m officially a student again so my thesis needs to get written, meetings need to be arranged, assessment studies to plan and collect data for. It’s all go. I am feeling more on top of things though. My mindset has started to shift over the last few days and I’m feeling more in control, I’ll be drawing on this to help me through my studies. No screwing up like I did last time, I’m keeping it together. Thin and at the top of my game is the goal.
I had a killer gym session this morning. I was running late for the first time in ages and had a Job Centre meeting so I did my workout in breakneck time. It felt good if a little sweaty. I’m always surrounded by thinspiration at the gym. The fitness club is on the university campus so there are SO many thin girls! Seriously, it’s crazy! It was kind of funny watching them all on the treadmill in a line while I was doing some free weights. It was a very “on the outside looking in” scenario but one day I’ll be joining them.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what to include (and exclude) in my diet. My Dad had a heart attack before Christmas which was the scariest event ever for everyone. It was very minor but Dad was only 50 with just a little middle age spread so it was a shock. He’s always been so active and eaten well but you can’t ditch you genes. He’s just one of those people that has high cholesterol and it turns out it’s prevalent in the family with both of his grandparents having died from heart disease. Apparently it’s quite common in Asian bloodlines and was most likely inherited from my Indian ancestors on my Grandfather’s side and Gypsy (a group that originated in Pakistan) on my Grandmother’s. You wouldn’t know looking at me though I’m obviously Caucasian but just a little more Amazonian as my partner calls it. Anyway, one of the things the doctors couldn’t stress enough was Omega 3 for a healthy, strong heart.
I’ll readily admit I’m back to avoid using oil in cooking like the plague. I only have balsamic vinegar on my salad, dry fry, grill and use water where others would add oil. This probably sounds all too familiar. My partner on the other hand has some Italian heritage and would preserve himself in olive oil if he could. Granted he doesn’t use as much as most but it’s still too much for me. I want to be able to choose the quantity and quality of the oils that go into my body. As my oils intake is so low and I’m vegetarian (bordering on vegan as I’m lactose intolerant and avoid animal products as a rule on sustainability grounds with the exception of honey) I’m probably Omega 3 deficient which isn’t a good thing considering that including it in your diet reduces the probability of having heart disease and cancer, helps with memory, mood, behaviour, arthritis, osteoporosis, hormone maintenance, energy levels and weight loss to name a few. The good news is you don’t necessarily have to go crazy with the oil, seeds and nuts. Omega 3 is found in leafy greens and cruciferous vegetables, not in high concentrations but it all soon adds up. Other sources are spirulina (a blue-green algae), walnuts, Brazil nuts, hemp seeds, pumpkin seeds, sesame seeds, wheat germ, wheat germ oil, soybean oil and canola oil. I decided to buy some hemp seeds as well as the usual sunflower and pumpkin seeds. They’re surprisingly tasty but I only have a small teaspoon so it doesn’t up the calories too much. I think I’ll alternate with sunflower and pumpkin one day and hemp the next.
Peace love and happiness to all of you butterfly beauties.
