My Happy Song

I need to vent. I want to shout, cry run around like a maniac. It's been building for days. Insecurities and paranoia have reached boiling point and I tire of the anxiety keeping me up every night.

Relationship crap

The fiasco I mentioned in a later post involved a girl. Big shock right? I dislike this girl. She's always asking my partner (I'm calling him A from now on. It's easier) for advice and favours. "What do I do with this centipede I found in my bag from the prac?", "I need help with my PhD application", "I have computer problems can you have a look?". I shrugged it off for ages because it's not like I expect him not to have female friends but then he got a text that I spazzed at "Oooo! A phone call? That must mean B is out of town". Queue shaking, instant nausea, wanting to pack my bags, punch him in the face, punch her in the face. I get the flight and flight response simultaneously. I hasten to add I'm not a violent person. Don't want anyone to get the wrong idea ^_^.
Upon interrogation after trying to slam him in the door (still not sure I didn't mean to do it... What was that about not being violent?) he'd apparently made some flippant comment about him and me not appreciating random texts a while ago. When you bring the girlfriend into it it's usually the girlfriend with the problem and the boyfriend is including himself to make said girlfriend seem less of a psycho. She'd said the text was a joke and meant nothing by it apparently.

I trust my boyfriend completely but what bothers me is some random ass girl who clearly deems it fit to make me into a joke having my boyfriend as her do to guy. He's been oblivious to these things in the past and has resulted in a few girls feeling confident enough that they have a chance with him to admit they like him. In his defence he's immediately stopped contact with them at that point but I hate that it needs to get that far!
He's spoken to her and said the text was out of line but she then e-mailed him saying "since texts are banned I thought I'd say goodbye by e-mail (she's going on a trip to Kenya with the uni). Shame you couldn't meet me for tea and random twittering. We'll catch up in April". Either she hasn't got the message which I was lead to believe was "get lost" or he's happy to keep on with the friendship without telling me. I don't care if he want to be friends with her, I'll get over it, but I do care if he has this friendship behind my back given recent events. That pisses me off. I'm more than likely being an overly crazy bitch about it all but I can't shake it. Something feels off.

*********************************************************************************

I wrote that last night. I needed to have a rant but lucky for you guys I took a breath. This post could have been EPIC! I was a bit wound up and woke A up to say that if he was going to be friends with this girl then that's fine I just don't want him hiding it from me. A was unimpressed probably for 2 reasons 1) I woke him up ^_^ 2) He gets annoyed when I revisit stuff. It takes me a while to get closure on things sometimes. His reaction resulted with me sleeping on the couch to avoid the weird vibe of the bedroom.
Today things have been a little odd. The tension is a little awkward.

Conclusion: this fat, insecure, paranoid, delinquent bitch has got to go. She needs to be replaced with a thin, more confident, less paranoid individual. The sooner that happens the better.

And the third day of the 30 Day Song Challenge is a song that makes you happy... How's that for irony?
It's Soul Meets Body by Death Cab for Cutie.

In weight news I'm down 1lb and only had an Alpro Soya yogurt and a small dinner today! I know I said nothing but dinner; A came home from uni early and was bugging me to eat.
I've also joined the Twitter scene so feel free to add me ^_^ @Thinpapilio.

Love always, B. X

My Least Favourite Song

I have loads of work to do for a deadline tomorrow  (2000 words to go) so can't stay long. Unfortunately I'm not feeling the pressure and just plodding along. Wish I was able to have a bit less apathy about everything.

Today was OK. Ate more than I should have because my partner made a tiramisu adding another 400kcal to my day. I loved and loathed every mouthful. There's absolutely nothing in the house to tempt me now so tomorrow will be awesome! I'm planning on fasting through the day and only having a small dinner to combat the dessert from tonight.

Total kcals: 1100

Day 2 of the 30 Day Song Challenge: your least favourite song. We Like to Party by The Vengaboys.

The song is AWFUL and characteristic of late 1990s European pop and the time I moved from my native Canada to the U.K. Little did I know the terror that lurked on the radio waves of the U.K. when I boarded that flight from Toronto to Birmingham. Sorry if any of you have nightmares.

My Favourite Song

And the damage is......... Minimal! YAY!!!! I'm 174lbs which is still WAY to high for my liking but things could be considerably worse.

I'm back to using FitDay again. It used to be a bit of an obsession but I find it really helpful. Also the BMI values it calculates are higher than the other resources out there so I know if I have a good BMI on FitDay in reality it's even better.
Over the next 9 weeks I'm going to lose 34lbs which will take me to 140lbs. Not my lowest weight but I'm so excited about how different my body will be when I get there. That's my first goal. I'd love to get there in less time and I will try but I have so much going on with study and starting my own little business (making and selling fair trade and eco friendly jewellery) I can't afford to put all my energy into it. If food and exercise are all I think about there's no chance of me concentrating on anything else in my life. I get totally consumed.

My calorie intake is restricted to 720kcal meaning I need to get back to the gym. Generally I'll be sticking to a soy yogurt in the morning, maybe with a piece of fruit, soup or cous cous for lunch and a small portion of dinner. When my assignment is out of the way on Wednesday I'll do a day here and there when I will only eat a small dinner. I'd never get away with a full day fast.

On a lighter note; I've noticed a few people on Facebook are doing a 30 Day Song Challenge but I thought I'd incorporate it into my blog instead.

Day 1 is your favourite song so here it is; Generator 1st Floor by Freelance Whales. Only just found out it is on a Starbucks commercial @_@

Thank you Dotty for such a lovely comment on my last post.
I am always so grateful for all of you guys. I know there are some people out there that just don't get it and get a kick out of hurling abuse but they make me really appreciate what beautiful people you are.

Much love, B.

Finally! I Have Time to Write a Blog Post!

Hi all! It's been a while. I've been dying to get on here and catch up with goings on and write a blog or two but things have been so crazy. Thanks for the comments while I was tied up elsewhere.

So where have I been? Here and there. Mainly with family. My brother's was my first stop where I spent a few days catching up, playing ultimate frisbee and retro video games. I then came back for a few days but didn't have a second to myself to post anything. Following a relationship... let's just call it a fiasco, I went and stayed with my parents. I'd planned on doing this anyway as I had to pick up some data for an experimental write up and decided to extend my say. I wasn't ready to come back to the flat.
The whole fiasco was on the grand scheme of things not a huge deal retrospectively but it takes so little to shake my confidence in my relationship. Because I have such low self esteem the smallest thing can increase the erosion of my self worth which obviously leads to my posing questions on the relationship front.

As I type it's just past 1am. I can't sleep due to anxiety but on the plus side I've found a window to blog. My partner has had little lab or lecture time and there's no getting away from each other here. Not that I would want that usually but I find blogging and catching up on what other like-minded people are up to and how they are getting on a comfort and helps me focus on my own goals.

On the scary issue of weight... I have no idea what weight I am. My eating habits have been so erratic the last few weeks due to the emotional rollercoaster I was on. I ate too much at my brother's place, nothing here, not that much at home and then the comfort eating kicked in. It's been a mess and I REALLY don't want to step on those scales but there's a little voice in my head compelling me to do it.

Tomorrow I promise. I'll give you a damage report. 

Fat Arms and Studio Mirrors

I’ve not posted for a couple of days because I’ve been going through one of my mini depression episodes (I say mini only because it’s not lasted all that long this time) and I didn’t want to bore anyone with my verbal diarrhoea and bitching about my lack of self worth.

I don’t know if this happens to anyone else but I get what I can only describe as a hangover when the depression starts to lift. It’s so weird! I’m completely drained, my head is fuzzy and there’s a general hit by a small car feeling. On the plus side it’s nice to feel somewhat normal again.

I’m still on track with my weight loss and did another Yoga class this morning. The class was harder than the one last week and with my “hangover” it was tough going. I wore a sleeveless top that had been relegated to the back of my draw for a while until I shed a few pounds... Big mistake! Everything seemed fine in the mirror at home but not in the studio. Damn mirrors everywhere. As much as I want a teeny flat tummy and legs I have a fixation with fat arms. I loathe them. It could be my hobby. There are so many slim girls that have arms that are way too fat for their profile. Resisting the urge to tell someone that they need to do some work on their arms because from the side their arms look as thick as their torso is challenging. My arms aren’t bad in the grand scheme of things but they’re not the skinny, toned pair I used to have which meant I couldn’t stop looking at them in the class, willing the fat to drip off them with every piercing stare.

In conclusion, I’ll be doing more arm work so I can look slimmer in some of my sleeveless tops. There’s something about slim arms that can give the illusion of being thinner than you actually are.

I Want To Feel Closer to the Beauty of Nature

ARGH!

Yesterday was crap. I had a mini binge. I'm so relieved I had no junk in the house and couldn't bear facing the outside world enough to go to the shop and buy EVERYTHING.

The events of Thursday got me pretty down and I couldn't hold it together. I was so annoyed with myself for being so weak and I hadn't even got through the first week!

Today has been better though I'm still feeling like crap. I was almost at a loss of 5lbs for the week but the binge made sure it was only 4lbs. On the up side my "eco pants" (the ones I wear for conservation work) are nowhere near as tight as they were last week which I’m really happy about. They’ve not fit this well for months.

Because I only lost 4lbs last week I have to drop 6lbs this week to achieve my first weight loss goal of 10lbs in 2 weeks. Totally doable, just NO mess ups this time.

A Reminder of What's Holding me Back

Today was a bit weird. I really didn’t want to go to the gym this morning. Sometimes the extreme lighting and air-conditioning just don’t cut it. I had every intention of going for a run but time got the better of me. I did manage to get over an hour walking around town while I was doing errands (I always walk quickly so I burn more calories).

My partner had an informal interview for a PhD today and I’m totally thrilled for him but I can’t stop thinking about where I’d be in my career if I hadn’t let my ED get the better of me... Maybe doing a PhD of my own? As I was leaving the house in order for my partner to have some privacy during the interview I picked up a bag I hadn’t used for a while. It was full of packaging that I’d hidden over the course of a couple binge sessions a few weeks ago. It summed it all up really. He has a PhD interview and all I had was a bag containing the remnants of why I feel like a failure. Damn food; too much of it or too little of it, too fat, too thin and never just the right amount and a thin but healthy me. Needless to say my emotions were bubbling under the surface making it urge to binge stronger than it has been so far. The image of the bag full of garbage, my partner having his interview and the reading on the scales this morning (definately down by 4lbs today) were swimming in my head and I got through.

I hope you are all staying strong and had a better day than I.

Oh Yoga, Why Did I Leave You?

It’s such a wonderful day here. Spring in undoubtably on it’s way reminding everyone that t-shirts, shorts and (dare I say it?) swimwear is on the horizon. It’s days like this that put pressure on me to work off the flab faster.

I’ve lost 4 or 5lbs now, I have analogue scales so I’m not exactly sure where I’m at, and am still feeling focused.

It’s been way too long since I did Yoga but today ended all that. I used to really love it but with each instructor having a different style and with all the different types to choose from I struggled to find a good class. Luckily the fitness club I go to has a really good instructor. She’s got attitude and really makes you work. I like her. The class this morning was one of the hardest Yoga classes I’ve done for years and it felt great. My partner is seriously inflexible given his high level of strength and fitness and has had back and joint problems from rugby which is why I’ve been bugging him to give a class a go. He joined me and surprise, surprise he enjoyed it! Needless to say it’s going to be a weekly thing. Maybe I’ll start Pilates up again too... Hummmm....

 

A Dietary Addition: Hemp (Maaaan)

There’s been a lot to think about today. I’m officially a student again so my thesis needs to get written, meetings need to be arranged, assessment studies to plan and collect data for. It’s all go. I am feeling more on top of things though. My mindset has started to shift over the last few days and I’m feeling more in control, I’ll be drawing on this to help me through my studies. No screwing up like I did last time, I’m keeping it together. Thin and at the top of my game is the goal.

I had a killer gym session this morning. I was running late for the first time in ages and had a Job Centre meeting so I did my workout in breakneck time. It felt good if a little sweaty. I’m always surrounded by thinspiration at the gym. The fitness club is on the university campus so there are SO many thin girls! Seriously, it’s crazy! It was kind of funny watching them all on the treadmill in a line while I was doing some free weights. It was a very “on the outside looking in” scenario but one day I’ll be joining them.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what to include (and exclude) in my diet. My Dad had a heart attack before Christmas which was the scariest event ever for everyone. It was very minor but Dad was only 50 with just a little middle age spread so it was a shock. He’s always been so active and eaten well but you can’t ditch you genes. He’s just one of those people that has high cholesterol and it turns out it’s prevalent in the family with both of his grandparents having died from heart disease. Apparently it’s quite common in Asian bloodlines and was most likely inherited from my Indian ancestors on my Grandfather’s side and Gypsy (a group that originated in Pakistan) on my Grandmother’s. You wouldn’t know looking at me though I’m obviously Caucasian but just a little more Amazonian as my partner calls it. Anyway, one of the things the doctors couldn’t stress enough was Omega 3 for a healthy, strong heart.

I’ll readily admit I’m back to avoid using oil in cooking like the plague. I only have balsamic vinegar on my salad, dry fry, grill and use water where others would add oil. This probably sounds all too familiar. My partner on the other hand has some Italian heritage and would preserve himself in olive oil if he could. Granted he doesn’t use as much as most but it’s still too much for me. I want to be able to choose the quantity and quality of the oils that go into my body. As my oils intake is so low and I’m vegetarian (bordering on vegan as I’m lactose intolerant and avoid animal products as a rule on sustainability grounds with the exception of honey) I’m probably Omega 3 deficient which isn’t a good thing considering that including it in your diet reduces the probability of having heart disease and cancer, helps with memory, mood, behaviour, arthritis, osteoporosis, hormone maintenance, energy levels and weight loss to name a few. The good news is you don’t necessarily have to go crazy with the oil, seeds and nuts. Omega 3 is found in leafy greens and cruciferous vegetables, not in high concentrations but it all soon adds up. Other sources are spirulina (a blue-green algae), walnuts, Brazil nuts, hemp seeds, pumpkin seeds, sesame seeds, wheat germ, wheat germ oil, soybean oil and canola oil. I decided to buy some hemp seeds as well as the usual sunflower and pumpkin seeds. They’re surprisingly tasty but I only have a small teaspoon so it doesn’t up the calories too much. I think I’ll alternate with sunflower and pumpkin one day and hemp the next.

Peace love and happiness to all of you butterfly beauties.