Phoenix

Last night was terrible. Two hours of sleep, crying, sore eyes and general ick. I'm feeling rough and am experiencing surges of anxiety. Blegh! A and I have been e-mailing as it allows us to say everything we want in a calm collected manner. Besides that I can't talk properly in my house without everyone knowing and going into the street to chat isn't an option either. I'm not fond of the neighbours seeing me as a blubbering lunatic.

I only gained 0.2lbs after my stupid binge yesterday so I'm relieved. Today was ok. I didn't much feel like eating and when I did it was only small portions. Unfortunately I was craving comfort food but couldn't stomach much of anything.

Tomorrow is a new day. Whatever happens with my relationship is going to happen and is out of my hands. It's up to A to decide if I'm worth the trouble. From the second I wake tomorrow I'm putting all my energy into me. I will be happy. I'm going to lose weight like a trooper, I'm going to be new, rising from the ashes like a beautiful phoenix. I ordered some eco hair dye today. I've always been too chicken to do it but I'm tired of being wallpaper. I want to express my inner self and do things I've always wanted to. I'll also be changing my hair style. I want a change both inside and out. If this relationship fails I'll be a million times more awesome for the next guy. It'll be A's loss.

I'll let you know how it pans out but they'll be no more wallowing about it from now on. It makes repetitive reading and I'm even starting to bore myself.

Day 11 of the 30 Day Song Challenge is a song from your favourite band. I have to admit their recent stuff is a but rubbish. Lyrically they've plummeted but I still think their older stuff is great.
The song is Mr. Chainsaw by Alkaline Trio.

Day 12 is a song from a band I hate... Ummm.... Hate is a strong word but I don't like Creed. I don't like the singer's voice, his face is a bit slapable and there's something cheese on toast about them.
It's Sacrifice by Creed.

Tune in tomorrow for positivity (finally!) and thinspo from yours truly.

Love always, B x

The Mask Comes Off

I comfort ate today. After losing another 1lb. Stupid girl.

My hard exterior has suddenly crumbled around me and my mask has been removed. Here lies a seldom seen individual. She's vulnerable. Feeling like her love and best friend is falling through her hands like tightly grasped sand. She's suddenly terrified. Wants to be held close and told she is beautiful, loved and safe. Instead a torrent of text. He doesn't know. He loves me but needs to think... She faces rejection and answers with "if you need to think maybe this is the end". Then nothing. Perchance he is reveling in the cliche. Perchance she is indeed not enough. That's how she's always felt.

 

The Truth Will Out

I told A everything. I told him I checked his e-mails, that I know he lied to me about L, that I know he told his closest friends he wasn't sure he wanted to be in a relationship and that I don't trust him (I think he knew that already). I had to clarify that it isn't that I didn't trust his fidelity it's that I don't trust him to tell me things that are important to us both, to the well being of us. He's not as honest and open about relationship stuff as I am. I expect the same transparency I show him especially after 4+ years.

That was 3 hours ago. I haven't heard from him since. I don't blame him. He was mad, said the not knowing if he should be in a relationship was a reflection of his mood at the time (yeah...) and not an ongoing one. I'm feeling more and more distant from him. The future we were working on building is getting blurry as a result of my paranoia and his disregard for me that I seem to find at every turn recently.What happens next is any one's guess. I told him I wasn't returning from my family home until he has decided exactly what he wants. He can be without me for a while to take stock of what's happened recently. We both need perspective and a time out.

*breath*

In weight related news I've lost another pound. The scales here are digital and add a few pounds compared to the ones I usually use. They now read 171.4lbs as opposed to the 172.4lbs they did last weekend.
I've had less than 200kcal during the day so a small meal should put me no higher that 1000kcal (worst case scenario).

I've been making replicas of some of the jewellery pieces I have on sale in the shop I was talking about yesterday. I can only ever make a very limited number at one go as I source the beads from co-operatives in Uganda and I never know what colours I'll be getting. The beads are fantastic, beautifully African and are all eco and ethically traded.
Tell me what you guys think. Don't worry about being critical as it's the only way I'll improve. I told a girl the other day that her stuff was nice but needed more variation in her designs. She literally did the same bracelet in different colours which isn't usually a problem but she has over 100 pieces on her website and NOTHING stands out. On top of that her prices were comparable to mine and  none of her materials benefited those less fortunate or the planet... The mind doth boggle! She was not impressed with my honesty. I was even nice about it and commented on the things that I did like. Some people want to surround themselves with yes men and sycophants I guess.

    **images removed**

And finally....

Day 9 of the 30 day Song Challenge is a song you can dance to. When I say dance I mean do a lap dance to. Well, I can but I totally chickened out so no one has ever seen it. Ha ha ha!

The song is You Are by Pear Jam.

Day 10 is a song that makes you fall asleep. I don't actually know of one that makes me fall asleep but I know I can sleep when listening to this song.

It's Tres by Pinback.

Love always, B x

It's All A Little Stressful *sigh*

I’m home again for a week for my brother’s birthday. I’ve brought my laptop this time so I can blog. Weight loss is going OK this week. I’m down to 170lbs but have eaten loads today so am feeling like garbage. Dad and I went shopping and I got stocked up with a few things for breakfast and lunch so I can eat without them getting suspicious but not increase the calories too much.

I’ve been busy busy busy trying to get my jewellery business off the ground. The ethical beads from Uganda arrived on Monday and I had to work like crazy to get pieces made for a display in one of the shops that has agreed to stock my main collections. I need to make some money and this is my best option as job searching is slow and as I’m a student I can’t claim any government help if I get desperate. Financially things are stressful.

My relationship is questionable at best. A has sent an e-mail to a few of his closest friends in which he mentions that he’s not sure he should be in a relationship as his personality traits don’t lend well to being with someone 24/7. He doesn’t know that I’m aware of this (after the last fiasco I occasionally get a bit neurotic and check his e-mails. Despicable I know and I need to stop) and I won’t be seeing him for a week so I’m not sure how to go about this one. My body went cold when I read the words... Together for over 4 years... Things have been shaky but I thought it would pass. Not sure staying together after this year is an option. There’s clearly not enough love for me if he can’t talk about these things to my face and deal with his character traits in order for us to have a life together. If I felt my character traits were getting in the way of my relationship and I was in love it’s the character traits that would need to be disposed of, not the relationship. Hell, I’d even try counselling again. To say I’m upset is an understatement. I feel numb. It's going to be a sleepless night. I'm glad I have you guys.

Obviously I’ve fallen behind with my 30 Day Song Challenge so I’ll be posting a couple of songs a day to play catch up.

Day 7 of the 30 Day Song Challenge is a song that reminds you of a certain event. This song reminds me of returning to the U.K. from UBC and having the worst 6 months of my life in terms of uni, my eating disorder and particularly my relationship.

The song is The Scientist by Coldplay.

Day 8 of the 30 Day Song Challenge is a song you know all the words to.

It's Hello Seattle by Owl City.

In response to Thin_Envy’s question my research is twofold, investigating quantitative food webs in a host plant- Pierid – parasitoid assemblage and the influence of previous host plant herbivory on Pierid larval parasitism. It’s a fantastic project and is a pioneering study for the ecosystem. I felt very honoured when I was offered it.

Hope you are all well. Wishing you love peace and happiness always, B X

My Spanish Song

This post is going to be lean as I'm writing it in the early afternoon. I'm heading home tonight for Mother's Day and my parent's 28th wedding anniversary so won't get a chance to ramble on later.

That pound I thought I lost but wasn't sure because of my rubbish scales had most definitely been lost. WHOOP! 2lbs for this week. I can only hope to maintain over the weekend with the take out Chinese tonight and a big family BBQ tomorrow. Small portions, small portions, good choices, good choices. There's always fresh baked cakes and things and my grandparent's house. Mom is making a fruit salad so I'll have that for dessert. She's a life saver.

Day 6 of the 30 day Song Challenge is a song that reminds you of somewhere. This song was playing near enough everywhere this time last year in Spain. I lived in Granada for 6 weeks while I did data collection for my research and loved it. I loved spending three twelve hour days in an unshaded barranco at +40 C heat looking for caterpillars and the rest of my time in the lab at the uni. It wasn't quite as simple as it sounds ^_^.

Today's song is Don't Worry Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin.

Love always, B.

My Brother's Song

Good evening to you all!

Nothing too exciting going on today. A and I had a picnic in the (very windy) park. I insisted we took the Frisbee and rugby ball which was fun and burned up the calories nicely. Running around made me realise how badly I need to get back to the gym. I've lost fitnness and it'll speed up the weight loss so it's a win win situation. Unfortunately I'm broke so I have to cancel my membership but I'll still have a month to use it by which time I'll be taking to the great outdoors for my workouts.

I think I've lost 1lb but I'm not sure. I have analogue scales so it's hard to tell sometimes. I'll say I'm stable for now to be on the safe side.

Day 5 of the 30 Day Song Challenge is a song that reminds you of someone. That someone is my little brother. I could get all emotional and go into why he's so amazing but I'll just say that he's my best friend, my biggest support and the funniest person ever. This song is a bit of a ritual. He was on a mission to learn every single word last summer and he does now indeed know every single word. Whenever we're in the car it has to be played.
The song is Rapper's Delight by The Sugar Hill Gang for my much loved little brother.

My Sad Song and Surf Thinspo

I'd like to start today by saying thank you to Tai and Skittles for their comments yesterday. I'm so used to feeling like I'm the one with the problem and it's comforting to know that I wasn't being overly unreasonable about the relationship fiasco.
Tai I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned this girl clearly had no respect for me. The fact that if I hadn't made a fuss A wouldn't have told her she was out of line shows disrespect on his part too. It all adds to the erosion of my self worth and I get enough of that from myself.

Let's change subject shall we?

I love surfing! Totally LOVE it! I'm not in the big wave league by any means but I don't care because I just love being out on the water. I may love surfing but looking like a cetacean while I do it is not happening this year. I'm going to look hot on my surfboard. No change on the scales this morning by the way.

Queue surf girl thinspo!

In other news I have a killer headache and I stubbed my toe. Exciting stuffs.

Day 4 of the 30 Day Song Challenge is a song that makes you sad so that'll be Cutie Boots by Stepdad. Great band.

Love always, B.