Finally! I Have Time to Write a Blog Post!

Hi all! It's been a while. I've been dying to get on here and catch up with goings on and write a blog or two but things have been so crazy. Thanks for the comments while I was tied up elsewhere.

So where have I been? Here and there. Mainly with family. My brother's was my first stop where I spent a few days catching up, playing ultimate frisbee and retro video games. I then came back for a few days but didn't have a second to myself to post anything. Following a relationship... let's just call it a fiasco, I went and stayed with my parents. I'd planned on doing this anyway as I had to pick up some data for an experimental write up and decided to extend my say. I wasn't ready to come back to the flat.
The whole fiasco was on the grand scheme of things not a huge deal retrospectively but it takes so little to shake my confidence in my relationship. Because I have such low self esteem the smallest thing can increase the erosion of my self worth which obviously leads to my posing questions on the relationship front.

As I type it's just past 1am. I can't sleep due to anxiety but on the plus side I've found a window to blog. My partner has had little lab or lecture time and there's no getting away from each other here. Not that I would want that usually but I find blogging and catching up on what other like-minded people are up to and how they are getting on a comfort and helps me focus on my own goals.

On the scary issue of weight... I have no idea what weight I am. My eating habits have been so erratic the last few weeks due to the emotional rollercoaster I was on. I ate too much at my brother's place, nothing here, not that much at home and then the comfort eating kicked in. It's been a mess and I REALLY don't want to step on those scales but there's a little voice in my head compelling me to do it.

Tomorrow I promise. I'll give you a damage report. 

Fat Arms and Studio Mirrors

I’ve not posted for a couple of days because I’ve been going through one of my mini depression episodes (I say mini only because it’s not lasted all that long this time) and I didn’t want to bore anyone with my verbal diarrhoea and bitching about my lack of self worth.

I don’t know if this happens to anyone else but I get what I can only describe as a hangover when the depression starts to lift. It’s so weird! I’m completely drained, my head is fuzzy and there’s a general hit by a small car feeling. On the plus side it’s nice to feel somewhat normal again.

I’m still on track with my weight loss and did another Yoga class this morning. The class was harder than the one last week and with my “hangover” it was tough going. I wore a sleeveless top that had been relegated to the back of my draw for a while until I shed a few pounds... Big mistake! Everything seemed fine in the mirror at home but not in the studio. Damn mirrors everywhere. As much as I want a teeny flat tummy and legs I have a fixation with fat arms. I loathe them. It could be my hobby. There are so many slim girls that have arms that are way too fat for their profile. Resisting the urge to tell someone that they need to do some work on their arms because from the side their arms look as thick as their torso is challenging. My arms aren’t bad in the grand scheme of things but they’re not the skinny, toned pair I used to have which meant I couldn’t stop looking at them in the class, willing the fat to drip off them with every piercing stare.

In conclusion, I’ll be doing more arm work so I can look slimmer in some of my sleeveless tops. There’s something about slim arms that can give the illusion of being thinner than you actually are.

I Want To Feel Closer to the Beauty of Nature

ARGH!

Yesterday was crap. I had a mini binge. I'm so relieved I had no junk in the house and couldn't bear facing the outside world enough to go to the shop and buy EVERYTHING.

The events of Thursday got me pretty down and I couldn't hold it together. I was so annoyed with myself for being so weak and I hadn't even got through the first week!

Today has been better though I'm still feeling like crap. I was almost at a loss of 5lbs for the week but the binge made sure it was only 4lbs. On the up side my "eco pants" (the ones I wear for conservation work) are nowhere near as tight as they were last week which I’m really happy about. They’ve not fit this well for months.

Because I only lost 4lbs last week I have to drop 6lbs this week to achieve my first weight loss goal of 10lbs in 2 weeks. Totally doable, just NO mess ups this time.

A Reminder of What's Holding me Back

Today was a bit weird. I really didn’t want to go to the gym this morning. Sometimes the extreme lighting and air-conditioning just don’t cut it. I had every intention of going for a run but time got the better of me. I did manage to get over an hour walking around town while I was doing errands (I always walk quickly so I burn more calories).

My partner had an informal interview for a PhD today and I’m totally thrilled for him but I can’t stop thinking about where I’d be in my career if I hadn’t let my ED get the better of me... Maybe doing a PhD of my own? As I was leaving the house in order for my partner to have some privacy during the interview I picked up a bag I hadn’t used for a while. It was full of packaging that I’d hidden over the course of a couple binge sessions a few weeks ago. It summed it all up really. He has a PhD interview and all I had was a bag containing the remnants of why I feel like a failure. Damn food; too much of it or too little of it, too fat, too thin and never just the right amount and a thin but healthy me. Needless to say my emotions were bubbling under the surface making it urge to binge stronger than it has been so far. The image of the bag full of garbage, my partner having his interview and the reading on the scales this morning (definately down by 4lbs today) were swimming in my head and I got through.

I hope you are all staying strong and had a better day than I.

Oh Yoga, Why Did I Leave You?

It’s such a wonderful day here. Spring in undoubtably on it’s way reminding everyone that t-shirts, shorts and (dare I say it?) swimwear is on the horizon. It’s days like this that put pressure on me to work off the flab faster.

I’ve lost 4 or 5lbs now, I have analogue scales so I’m not exactly sure where I’m at, and am still feeling focused.

It’s been way too long since I did Yoga but today ended all that. I used to really love it but with each instructor having a different style and with all the different types to choose from I struggled to find a good class. Luckily the fitness club I go to has a really good instructor. She’s got attitude and really makes you work. I like her. The class this morning was one of the hardest Yoga classes I’ve done for years and it felt great. My partner is seriously inflexible given his high level of strength and fitness and has had back and joint problems from rugby which is why I’ve been bugging him to give a class a go. He joined me and surprise, surprise he enjoyed it! Needless to say it’s going to be a weekly thing. Maybe I’ll start Pilates up again too... Hummmm....

 

A Dietary Addition: Hemp (Maaaan)

There’s been a lot to think about today. I’m officially a student again so my thesis needs to get written, meetings need to be arranged, assessment studies to plan and collect data for. It’s all go. I am feeling more on top of things though. My mindset has started to shift over the last few days and I’m feeling more in control, I’ll be drawing on this to help me through my studies. No screwing up like I did last time, I’m keeping it together. Thin and at the top of my game is the goal.

I had a killer gym session this morning. I was running late for the first time in ages and had a Job Centre meeting so I did my workout in breakneck time. It felt good if a little sweaty. I’m always surrounded by thinspiration at the gym. The fitness club is on the university campus so there are SO many thin girls! Seriously, it’s crazy! It was kind of funny watching them all on the treadmill in a line while I was doing some free weights. It was a very “on the outside looking in” scenario but one day I’ll be joining them.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what to include (and exclude) in my diet. My Dad had a heart attack before Christmas which was the scariest event ever for everyone. It was very minor but Dad was only 50 with just a little middle age spread so it was a shock. He’s always been so active and eaten well but you can’t ditch you genes. He’s just one of those people that has high cholesterol and it turns out it’s prevalent in the family with both of his grandparents having died from heart disease. Apparently it’s quite common in Asian bloodlines and was most likely inherited from my Indian ancestors on my Grandfather’s side and Gypsy (a group that originated in Pakistan) on my Grandmother’s. You wouldn’t know looking at me though I’m obviously Caucasian but just a little more Amazonian as my partner calls it. Anyway, one of the things the doctors couldn’t stress enough was Omega 3 for a healthy, strong heart.

I’ll readily admit I’m back to avoid using oil in cooking like the plague. I only have balsamic vinegar on my salad, dry fry, grill and use water where others would add oil. This probably sounds all too familiar. My partner on the other hand has some Italian heritage and would preserve himself in olive oil if he could. Granted he doesn’t use as much as most but it’s still too much for me. I want to be able to choose the quantity and quality of the oils that go into my body. As my oils intake is so low and I’m vegetarian (bordering on vegan as I’m lactose intolerant and avoid animal products as a rule on sustainability grounds with the exception of honey) I’m probably Omega 3 deficient which isn’t a good thing considering that including it in your diet reduces the probability of having heart disease and cancer, helps with memory, mood, behaviour, arthritis, osteoporosis, hormone maintenance, energy levels and weight loss to name a few. The good news is you don’t necessarily have to go crazy with the oil, seeds and nuts. Omega 3 is found in leafy greens and cruciferous vegetables, not in high concentrations but it all soon adds up. Other sources are spirulina (a blue-green algae), walnuts, Brazil nuts, hemp seeds, pumpkin seeds, sesame seeds, wheat germ, wheat germ oil, soybean oil and canola oil. I decided to buy some hemp seeds as well as the usual sunflower and pumpkin seeds. They’re surprisingly tasty but I only have a small teaspoon so it doesn’t up the calories too much. I think I’ll alternate with sunflower and pumpkin one day and hemp the next.

Peace love and happiness to all of you butterfly beauties.